4 Ways To Deal With A Critical Family Without Sacrificing Your Sanity
Special Needs and Criticism From Family Members
Aren’t families fun? :::insert sarcastic tone and eyeroll:::
If you have a child with special needs chances are you have dealt with some type of criticism from one, or multiple, members of your family. How do you handle their negative comments and/or backhanded compliments and slights?
It is possible to handle these comments without going nuclear on each other, or so I’ve heard. It’s important to remember that you, and you alone, are in control of how you respond to their comments.
Resolving Criticisms Without Arguments or Angry Feelings
What I really wanted to call this section was something along the lines of resolving criticisms without committing murder or slashing your family members’ tires (keying their cars), but I don’t think search engines would favor that.
You could probably tell that I’m a bit salty when it comes to this topic. I’ve been putting up with my husband’s side of the family and their backhanded critiques of how I handle life for nearly 30 years and I haven’t shot anyone in the face… YET.
As you can imagine, criticisms and the like only escalated with Jason’s diagnosis back in early 2009. Here are some techniques to try out. Punches can always be thrown at a later date and time:
- Avoid taking the comment personally. Easier said than done, I get it! It’s so easy to get defensive and take things personally.
* When a family member judges your child having a meltdown, or the way your chose to handle it, it’s hard not to take it personally. You feel attacked and vulnerable, but the key is to remember that their opinion isn’t the only one that matters. In fact, their opinion doesn’t have to matter at all.
* Keep in mind that comments about you and how use chose to handle that meltdown actually show more about the state of mind of the person saying them. When they’re criticizing your techniques, it’s possible they have issues with the way they handled their own kids, or maybe their grown child is going through the same thing and they’re upset because you handle it so much better than their own kid does. Family members sometimes attack each other because it’s an easy target for them and it takes the focus off of their own shortcomings.
2. Know your triggers. Triggers are the things that can really set you off. They are those specific comments and/or actions that affect you on a very deep and personal level. By becoming aware of your triggers, you can learn to notice when others are “pushing your buttons” and consciously calm yourself to tone down your reaction.
* For example, parenting styles can be a common source of stress, so any negative comments about the way you interact with your child, particularly when they’re not in control of their emotions and behaviors, can be a huge trigger. They can trigger a cascade of negative emotions such as feeling worthless, hopeless, or like a failure.
* Family members are usually aware of your triggers, so they know how to hurt you easily. It’s important to avoid letting them have this power over you.
3. Share how you feel. In some cases, your family may not be aware that they’re hurting you. They may even think that they’re helping by pointing out your faults so you can work to overcome them.
* To nip this in the bud, share your feelings and let them know that their negative comments are painful to hear. Explain that you’re aware of the issues and don’t need constant negative reminders. It’s up to you to make them aware that they’re not helping.
4. Set clear boundaries. You can teach others how to treat you by setting clear boundaries. Let your family members know that you won’t accept some things. They will eventually get used to you standing up for yourself.
* Be prepared to take action if they overstep these boundaries. In this case, you may have to cut off contact with them or take other measures to let them know that you’re serious about the boundaries.
* You can’t control everyone, but you can make it clear that you won’t tolerate rude or negative comments.
* Although you may feel obligated to spend time with your family, you don’t have to spend time with people who hurt you on a regular basis. You deserve to be treated well, even by your family members. If your family is constantly sharing negative comments or criticisms, it will benefit you to learn how to deal with them. It’s not an easy process, but it’s important for your sanity and well-being to manage your emotions and their comments.
