What Happens When My Autistic Son Isn’t Cute Anymore

“Jason… you’re not cute anymore, so just stop it!”

My eldest to my youngest, almost every damn day of the week.

I knew this day would come, and I have been dreading it. And when I say dreading, I really mean desperately trying not to think about it. Ignorance has been bliss, and I have gotten away with it way longer than I should but I can no longer avoid the inevitable and I can’t be anything be 100% honest about this.

And here it is.

My 15-year-old autistic son is no longer a cute little boy.

The loss of his little boy sweetness has had a truly profound impact on me, and I don’t know if it’s because he’s my baby or because this is unchartered territory for me.

It’s probably both.

Jason is my youngest, so he truly is the baby of the family. He know longer has the adorable charm that all little boys seem to have, and in his place stands an adulty looking version of that once little boy. On the outside he’s quite the handsome young man, but on the inside he’s still very much a little boy. And while he no longer throws himself on the floor during a meltdown in public places, he still needs assistance with most activities of daily living such as taking a shower and brushing his teeth.

And I’ll be honest again. I wish I could ignore all of these changes. In fact, I would very much like to pretend this isn’t happening.

But that wouldn’t be right, especially for my son.

Back When Things Were “Easier”

Back when Jason was first diagnosed in January 2009, we had a multitude of therapists coming and going every single day of the week. Each of them had their own take on Jason future development and where we might be during his high school years.

I was, perhaps, foolishly optimistic in thinking everything would be just fine and work out in the end. Right? I mean, I’m on the spectrum and have ADHD as well, and I’m okay. My older son Justin has ADHD and he’s good, right?

Turns out, maybe not so much.

The Struggles Are Real

I have had to face the reality recently that I’m probably doing okay with life because of my husband. He has been nothing but a constant source of love, support and all of the things I should have had while growing up. If I hadn’t met him, moved in with and married him, I shudder to think where I would be. He encouraged me to finish school, pushed me to be more than I thought I was worth, and he has been a constant source of support as I entre the world of special needs mom blogging. Not to mention, he’s an amazing dad.

My older son had lots of support in school, once he received a proper diagnosis. But after he graduated high school at 18 and started to attend classes at a community college, he felt he couldn’t deal with it. He has a steady job and is working on becoming a streamer. He often forgets to take his ADHD medication he needs to be gently pushed to stay on task with his goals.

People Aren’t Always Kind, Accepting And Tolerant Of Those Who Are Different

People have stared. They still do.

Even thought Jason doesn’t have meltdowns in public like he used to when he was much younger, he is a VERY loud talker. And he repeats things over and over again. And his voice can be quite monotone.

I’m not saying these things to complain (not at all!), but these are the features that cause people to stop and give my son the side eye. Oh, and the muffled comments that go along with that side eye…

This One Time At Target

Back when Jason was 8, and still very much little boy cute, we went to Target after he came home from school. As we were walking into the store Jason was acting particularly silly. He was laughing hysterically and speaking in his VERY loud voice. We walked past a man who gave him that side eye glance as we walked by.

That was bad enough but nothing too detrimental. Jason didn’t even see him do it. What DID upset me though was the fact that as we passed by this man, Jason glanced at him and said “hello” to him. And of course, the man did not say hello back, or even acknowledge him.

Nice, right?

Sadly, Jason did notice and said to me, “Mom, that man didn’t say hello back to me.”

And I was irked by this. So much so that I just said in passing, “Sweetie, that’s because that man is an asshole…”

No sooner were the words out of my mouth when I felt Jason spin around on his heels, point to this guy and declare, “Hey! You’re an ASSHOLE!!!!”

This guy had the nerve to glare at me. All I did was shrug my shoulders and say, “well, you ARE.”

Then we just went about shopping, you know, letting Target tell us what we needed.

My daughter was mortified by that little scene, but only because she worked there at the time.

I Won’t Always Be Able To Protect Him

The older and bigger Jason gets, the less and less I’ll be able to protect. It’s as if his size and my being able to protect him are becoming significantly disproportioned.

I will always advocate for him. I’m also teaching him, along with his teachers at school, to advocate and stand up for himself. We work on hygiene and the importance of looking your best every day. My husband is teaching him to shave, because my baby already has quite the moustache at the tender age of 15.

Conclusion

Why is it important for him to look his best? Because people judge. And people love to judge those who are different. If my son always looks his best, well that’s one less thing he can be judged for.

And even though Jason isn’t physically my adorable little boy anymore, he’s grown into quite the handsome young man who will always be my baby.